How many of you have heard these phrases?
- It probably would have been deformed.
- Thank goodness you were only in your first trimester.
- It’s not like it was a real baby.
- Just get pregnant again and you’ll feel better.
- It was just a miscarriage.
When friends, family, acquaintances, and coworkers learn of your loss, they are going to feel the need to say something. They feel awkward and unsure. They definitely don’t want to make you cry.
So they try to come up with something to make you feel better. Somehow, they really do believe that downplaying the loss (only first trimester, not a real baby, just a miscarriage) will help you downplay it too. Or, that they can show you a “bright” side (deformed, nature’s way, not the right time.) Or give you advice (get pregnant again, don’t dwell on it, you’re only making yourself depressed.)
I’m not happy with these people. I wish I could be your personal guardian, walking around with duct tape and sealing their mouths. But usually they aren’t really trying to upset you. They want to say something. They don’t know that “I’m so sorry for the loss of your baby. Please let me know if I can do anything,” is plenty.
Ignore them when you can. Just nod and walk away. And when you’re feeling up for it–tell them. And explain to them what to say next time, before they repeat these things to someone else.
Baby Dust: Deanna's Miscarriage Blog 
13 comments
March 26, 2007 at 4:22 pm
drdanbhcmg
After a year (12th week Misscarrage) we still get sad, We (I) cry when we read articles like yours. I am thankful for our 2 great, wounderful perfect children, but we still are sad.
I am sorry for your loss.
March 30, 2007 at 1:26 pm
dml
My favorite: “maybe this loss is a warning, you’re not a spring chicken anymore.”
What the?
March 31, 2007 at 11:52 am
Emma
Dear Deanna,
I lost my first baby 3 days ago at about 8 1/2 weeks gestation. All this after two successful scans (including one just a day before I miscarried) which showed a strong heartbeat and which convinced the doctors, though strangely not me, that all would be well. I sit here bleeding inside and out praying that I will recover physically and emotionally soon, and that one day I will be lucky enough to have a healthy baby. But I will never forget this first baby I have lost, and so I value greatly the help, information and comfort, which your website has offered to me at a very sad time in my life. Thank you.
March 31, 2007 at 5:25 pm
Wendy
Ive recently just spent a week in hospital. I went to the A & E the night before, was discharged, then passed out on the way home at midnight,( luckily my husband was driving ) and had the most horrific couple hours pain after that. Went back for a scan the next day, hardly able to stand straight, and with blood pressure through the roof, i was soon surrounded by doctors, and monitored. My first pregnancy, and miscarried at 11 weeks. I was devestated!!! I spent weeks moping about and sobbing, and avoiding people because of those comments you mention. I dont think anyone can appreciate just how emotional and painful it is to go through. I left with no information going forward, what to do, when will my next period be, although i was told to wait 1 clear cycle before starting again. Thank you for this site and the information you clearly make available, its a comfort and a help to have you 24 hours a day.
April 4, 2007 at 3:43 am
Kris
I think the worst thing I was ever told was after I lost my twins a few months ago. It was my 7th loss in 14 years. A lady in my church whom had just heard of my loss said “Well you know that they say,a mc means that something was wrong with the baby. With all your losses, you shouldnt try to get pg again, since the next time the baby might actually live and be deformed.” The second best was while I was crying after being told that they were having to end the life of the second twin. My nurse whom had such a great bed side manner said “Well you should be used to this by now”.
April 17, 2007 at 12:44 am
Livette
Nice blog!
May 29, 2007 at 2:38 pm
E
I’m in the process of a miscarriage right now and your blog and the information has been a big help. Right now I don’t even care so much about the physical pain; I just wish the emotional pain would lessen. I’m not looking forward to dealing with friends and co-workers for statements like the ones you listed.
June 5, 2007 at 9:16 am
L
I miscarried my first pregnancy two weeks ago at 9 weeks. We hadn’t told anyone about the pregnancy, and have told only my two closest friends about the miscarriage. For me, it’s been much less devastating, knowing that I’m safe from the comments you mention here. Private joy, private heartache. We were planning on telling everyone at 12 weeks, after the “dangerous” phase had passed.
I think on my next, I’ll wait until my belly gets remarked on by strangers before telling anyone!!!
June 5, 2007 at 5:36 pm
Paul
As a guy, you probably find it strange that I’m writing here, but don’t forget, it takes two, and fathers have feelings too.
My wife lost a baby at 13 weeks, when she was 36, and the doctors told her she would always be at risk of losing a baby, because the first child, our daughter, was delivered by emegency cesaerean, because of a misdiagnosed breech.
People were telling us ‘its for the best’…all the usual stuff, and yes, it was annoying, and yes, duck tape would have been really useful at the time.
Looking back, I can see that all those friends and relatives just didn’t really know what to say, so they just said something, rather than nothing.
Anyway, we proved the docs wrong, when my wife gave birth to a boy when she was 40……so never believe what they tell you!
June 26, 2007 at 8:50 pm
Tracy
I miscarried on January 8, 2007. I was 13 weeks. As I approach what would have been my baby’s due date, I find myself crying alot and just really sad. Not only have I endured the well-meant comments, but I also get “What are you going to do with yourself?” because my son is going to Kindergarten in September. I just came upon this blog because I’m having a particularly bad night. Your writing is so helpful, soothing, and wise. Thank You.
July 19, 2007 at 5:37 pm
Holly
This blog has been wonderful in helping me cope with our recent loss. I had D&C planned for yesterday (Wednesday), but I woke up early with severe pain and cramping. Immediately I began bleeding like crazy. It turns out that I had the miscarriage at home right before the D&C.
Well, I get to work from home sometimes, and my boss sent me an email today saying that I should get back to work to get my mind off things and start talking to good people about “worthwhile things” instead of it being all about the loss of a baby that wasn’t even a baby yet. Wow…this frustrated and hurt me more than anything, and I let him know exactly what I felt.
I appreciate the blog and knowing what others have been through. I will be praying for you all as you go throughout your lives. My husband and I named our child Keelan. We never want Keelan forgotten…and because of this, we will not forget Casey, either. Because of Casey, our lives have been forever changed. Casey and Keelan are probably in heaven playing together! 🙂
July 20, 2007 at 6:02 pm
Karrie
I have had two mc in 7mon. One in Sept 06 at 8 weeks, the last in Apil 07 at 10 weeks, the last we were sure everything was great just the day before we had a strong heart beat. The pain is very hard. We have a 5yr old that now ask what his babys are doing in heaven, why are they not with us. We have just started trying again.
July 25, 2007 at 9:57 am
Hope
Deanna and all, this website has been so helpful in dealing with my loss over the last few months. It has made me feel like I’m not alone in dealing with this loss. We lost our twins at 12 weeks last month and have been devastated. We went in for our 3-month ultrasound and were shocked to be told that one had passed and the other had dire chances. We lost our second twin and had a D&C a few days later. What makes it worse is that the cause was found to be Parvovirus B19, which I contracted from one our relatives. We hadn’t told anyone since we spent 2 years, and an IVF cycle to get to this point. All this at the time I was supposed to be telling friends and family we were pregnant and made it past the 1st trimester. May my babies rest in heaven and know how much they are loved. I’m trying to get my emotional and physical strength back to try again and maintain hope that I’ll hold a healthy baby in my arms one day.